I wanted to let go and just let the wind take me. In fact, I knew that nothing would change if
I didn’t feel released at the core of my being.
If there was something I was holding onto, some belief or outmoded idea,
now was the time to release it and to open myself to change like a sail is
ready for the wind. So I invited the
universe to destroy me. Naturally, I
sought the advice of a shaman. I didn’t
want to leave too many things to chance.
I thought this
would be a way through the inertia, if that’s what it was, that was stopping
me. Call it whatever you want, know what
I mean, but get it out of the way.
One of my
biggest fears when I left Nic was, “Would I know myself?” Well, I decided to take care of this fear in
ship shape fashion and made a full commitment to leaving the certain shore for
the uncertain waters. How else could I
have gone? It’s not that I was used to
such adventures but I couldn’t imagine another way out of the tangled tango I
was dancing in.
There were
many thoughts I had about why I might extend this invitation. For one, I knew that alchemists looked at
destruction as a preliminary step to reorganization. I was willing to try anything that would help
me become a stronger person. Part of the
deal was that you were destroyed by what you most feared. By facing my worst fears I thought I could
then certainly live without Nic - and not simply as a person making due but as
someone that has overcome. It’s almost
heroic when I think about it. And
another aspect is that since all shamanic work has the important feature of
deliberate choice, this journey was like an initiation into my new
selfhood. You’re also given the gift of
knowing your end. I was shredded. That was only the beginning of the
“transition.” The rest became a series
of evolutions and watery meanderings that makes Darwin’s theory of evolution
seem like the biological equivalent of lethargy.
More about the journey and Conversations with Nic available at http://amzn.to/14jUNUs
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